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I am sure everyone is wondering how I am doing. How my Thanksgiving was. The fun dinner I had Saturday night at friends. The great Christmas presents I ordered from various websites. And many other things. Maybe you can figure all of that out from the answers to these questions!

You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Explode in joy? Myself! Or, maybe someone sad who just needs some cheering up. So, let's say the guy who works at Toys R Us and is in charge of manning the returns desk on the day after Christmas. He needs some exploding! Poor fella. Everyone will be bringing back the Wiis that they really bought in China for 25 bucks and claim it was a gift and they don't have a receipt. Atleast, I will.
You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?
I think Kenny G is the only answer to this question. Your answer is wrong.

Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Just punch in the face? Does that mean we can't have sex afterwards? Why must you and your racist 70s attitudes limit me? I'd like to just punch YOU in the face, if that's what it comes down to! Ahhhh. Now I feel bad. Let's not fight ever again.Come give me a big old monkey hug. There it is. Thanks.

What is your favorite cheese?
Is English your third language? Shouldn't this be WHOM is your favorite cheese? And, that's more than a little bit personal. It's like asking "Who do you like to have anonymous sex with in department store fitting rooms?" And, ironically the answer to both questions is the same.

You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to human kind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?
Every sandwich ingredient known to human kind? How about the sandwich researchers in belgium? They find new ingredients every day and you are holding me back with artificial limitations. Since I have to answer, I will be fancy and risk being known as an a number 1 snob. Peanut butter and Jelly on a kaiser roll with potato chips mushed up inside there.

You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice.We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Damn. You jump from sandwiches to sex all in one second. Remember that Seinfeld were George wanted to eat and. Wait. Even better remember that Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry Stiller argued over the Men's bra? The Bro! The Mansieer! That was funny. But, not as funny as the Seinfeld that had Elaine drawing a Ziggy. Oh. Question? Right? Let's say Helena Bonham Carter and just be done with it.

You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?
I probably should have chosen Madonna for the last answer so I could say "I JUST SAID MADONNA, YOU ASSHOLE!" to this answer. And, then I could flex my muscles and kick your ass. Since, I missed that boat with my premature Bonham choice I will have to think for a second. Oh well. Isobel Campbell it is, then.

Now that you've slept with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?
I would take whoever I was with out to dinner and drinks and then to a carnival for cotton candy.

You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Is this a trick question. Like, I say "Well. I have always wanted to check out New Zealand." And, then you say. "Idiot! I said the ticket is to 'anywhere'. Have fun with the hobbits in New Zealand you D + D CREEP." Because if it is, that sucks. I am changing my answer to Tahiti,, anyhow. I would love to see Tahiti.

An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?
Well, first of all I would have some things to say to this Angel. George Bailey realizes that he is the luckiest man alive because he has friends, that Aladin guy got three wishes, plenty of folks gote tons and tons of gold, there was that one guy who got three elephants and a donkey, and I am stuck getting a life time supply of a beverage. What is that all about, exactly? I think I must have done something wrong to someone at some point. (And, I know what and who it was.) I guess I will choose Meyers's Rum and cokes.

Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?
Am I stuck there forever? If so, I would just stay here, thank you very much. If I don't have to stay there. I would go back to see Ben Franklin and hang out. Maybe, share a Meyers's and Coke with him. In fact, that's probably how he discovered bifocals. "Kind Sir! This grog makes everything blurry! I will create glasses to counteract that! Also, FUCK YEAH! And by the way, JO JO, you yammer mouth!" Ahh the patriots knew how to party.

You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
First rule: No pointless convoluted hypothetical questions.

You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?
If I am going to create something I assume it's my own design. Most people don't create things that are other people's design, do they? I think they call it plagiarism when you do that. My show would be 30 minutes of people I know telling funny stories about things that happened to them in their life. At the end in big letters it will say it was written by me. So, the second episode will be my former friends telling angry stories about how they used to like me before I made it big.

What is your favorite curse word?
MotherFucker.

One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, what do you do?
What do you mean they aren't really doing anything? Who made the noise? If those mummies were just standing there doing nothing I would be freaked out about the mysterious noise. I would be like "Hey you fat ass mummies! Find the cricket! I hate when crickets are chirping in here! Find that cricket and take him to his NYC apartment!"

Your house is on fire! What do you do?
As you know, I do not own a house. So, I am guessing this is a metaphorical question. So, metaphorically, if my "house" is on fire. I call the doctor and ask for the ointment. Again.

The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cooland in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. What will you do in that half-hour?
Hold up. Is this the same angel that offered me that cheap ass miracle? What the fuck is this all about? "Hey! Have Meyers's and cokes for the rest of your life! By the way, you have 30 minutes to live!" And, it's not like it's fun to chug rum and cokes! The bubbles. They go up your nose and tickle like a mofo. This is the sort of bullshit that gets people tired of religion and cola products.

You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and whats even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice!What super-power is it?
So, now I am eating vegetables like some kind of hippy freak? Also, yeah, radioactive food is often "good". This is absurd! Superpowers come from spiders and being from another planet. Life is not like Gilligan's island, fools. It's more like the Brady Bunch. Ok. I will take super healing as my power. And, see what that angel has to say to me.

You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
I guess I would just experience my 30 minute tv show again.

You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
I would probably erase that tv show. I am wondering what would happen if I went to experience something again that never happened. Did I just break your brain question asker? I BET I DID!

You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out you can move anywhere. Where are you going?
Oh my god. Not this trick again Ha ha ha "I said you can move 'anywhere'" How is that funny? I am not a child, no matter how much you treat me like one. Anyway, I got kicked out of the country? Big deal! I am more of a city mouse anyway.

This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?
I really don't know. I guess it would have to be a bar in a city since I am no longer allowed in the country. I hope it has hot chicks. You know what bar is fun? Monks in Philadelphia. Everyone should go there. You know what other bar is fun? Russian River in Santa Rosa. Everyone should go there, too. Both places have great food. So yay them!

Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question... If you did,then we'll just expound on that. Check it out? Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first,and be like "Check it out I can FLY!?"
OH yeah. I have the power to fly and I am flying to someone's house. I can drive to people's houses, why would I need to fly there? GOD! I guess I would fly up to someone who lives on the top of a mountain that you can only get to if you are a goat.

The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Jim Henson and John Lennon. I bet John Lennon would still be the coolest Beatle even if he were alive. But, I also guess he would be pretty irrelevant. I think Jim Henson would still be doing fun funny things and creating awesome worlds and be exactly the same geeky fun person he always was. Wait. Is this a time travel question? Are the mummies around my bed just the bodies of resurrected people demanding to know why I grabbed them out of their blissful afterlife to this hellish existence? That noise? That was their soul cracking in furious regret.